I'll bet you're here because you want to have better sex in your Christian marriage. What Christian couple doesn't want more intimacy in marriage? But everything–kids, money, jobs, life–it ALL can get in the way and make our married sex lives dull, boring or even non-existent. We want ways to keep the spark alive in Christian marriage!
The truth is that it is possible to have a great married sex life! There's one BIG secret to that amazing level of intimacy we all crave… and it's something that every Christian married couple needs to know about.
This post is an adapted excerpt of Sue's book “9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage” (get the book here).
It can be hard to find articles on sex in Christian marriage. That's why I'm so grateful that Sue is sharing her incredible story (on this very private subject!) below.
Discovering Better Sex in Christian Marriage
During a premarital seminar we attended, I remember a man saying, “In the beginning, we weren’t very good at making love.” However, he also encouraged, “You get better at it.”
That man was right.
As my husband and I grew together and got to know each other physically, as well as emotionally and spiritually, we came to understand that every life-giving marriage is connected to the ultimate Life-Giver—the One who made sexual intimacy in marriage to be a holy experience.
And as part of that growth, we’ve also discovered a powerful truth that has brought incredible healing and given us a more passionate marriage that we never thought possible.
Our Journey Towards Better Sex in Our Christian Marriage
In 1990, our house caught fire with my newborn daughter and me inside. Trapped by smoke and flames, I was unable to get to my baby in her crib. Thankfully, my husband came home in time. he and a fireman rescued both of us from the fire. You can read more about this event in 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Mom.
Our marriage went from low-grade stress to an over-the-top stress level.
Not only were we fighting with our insurance company to pay for the damages of our home, we fought with each other every day.
Our newborn daughter developed colic, screaming inconsolably for hours at a time. Emotionally numb, we struggled to survive each day as we stumbled through our pastoral duties. Our own need for healing, individually and as a couple, made us less effective in our ministry.
Our sex life shifted from difficult to nonexistent.
As a new mother with milk-engorged breasts and an overweight body, I felt more like a feeding station than a vibrant, sensual young woman.
Pregnancy and childbirth brought changes in my hormones and left painful, physical reminders that made the thought of sex completely unappealing.
The stress from fire pushed our relationship over the edge.
Both Wayne and I knew we needed help if our marriage was going to work.
Where Hope Began for Our Married Sex Life
We approached our ministry supervisor, who pointed us to a prayer-counseling ministry that included a weekend-long session. With our ten-month-old baby who was still nursing, we traveled eight hours to the event, prayerful that God would show us a solution.
Throughout the weekend, pastoral leaders shared from the heart. They were honest and candid about their own brokenness and shared how they found healing.
In addition to group sessions where we heard testimonies of renewed relationships, Wayne and I received individual ministry. We met with pastoral counselors with whom we shared painful experiences in our lives.
During that time of counseling and confession, we each uncovered how events from our past darkened the lens through which we viewed sex.
Being honest with each other and with God allowed His light to shine into our relationship and mend our broken places.
As a result, our sexual intimacy went from being the coldest part of our relationship to being hot and steamy.
Adding to our newfound physical intimacy was a spiritual unity like we had never experienced in our lives. Wayne initiated a time of prayer early in the mornings before he went to his secondary job. Very often, we made love after that time of prayer together before he left for his early morning shift.
The spiritual fulfillment of prayer flowed into an emotional connectedness, which lit the fire of physical intimacy.
How Sex in Our Marriage Became Hot and Steamy
We couldn’t get enough of each other. We were truly changed. Wayne read Christian books about sexual intimacy and grew in his knowledge as a lover.
He selflessly brought me so much pleasure that sex became my favorite pastime. Through subsequent pregnancies and recovery, we kept making love, continuing to nurture our emotional, spiritual, and physical relationship.
Because we understand the need for all three strands of the spiritual, emotional, and sexual aspects of marriage to be strongly entwined, we’ve since coached and encouraged many couples through marriage ministry. We were passionate to help and compassionate about the pain.
And we know that God can heal and renew relationships in exciting and beautiful ways.
You Can Turn Around Your Sex Life Too
Whatever negative, or even life-destroying, habits you or your spouse has become entangled in, there is hope for a turn-around toward a more passionate marriage.
The beginning place of greater intimacy in our marriage (and better sex) starts with our relationship with God.
When King David turned his heart back toward God after his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba, these are the words he wrote:
Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight….
Psalm 51:1-4 (NLT)
The turnaround for David began with his relationship with God. In his desperation, he trusted that God was the One who could purify his heart. He trusted God to give him back his joy. He trusted God to restore his life (read more about it in Psalm 51:7-12).
#1 Truth About How to Have Better Sex in a Christian Marriage
If you want to experience a more passionate marriage with your spouse, first focus on restoring passion in your heart for God.
So step one is to learn more about Him and to choose to let Him define your worth. Let Him give you a new passion for life.
God is the One who has made you. You will find the fullness of joy in Him.
Great married sex starts when two people already have passionate loving relationships with God because then those people are freed to just love each other without conditions or expectations.
Right now, first, make your focus be on your personal relationship with the Lover of your soul.
This post is an edited excerpt from Sue Detweiler's book 9 Traits of a Life-Giving Marriage: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts (Life Bridge Press, reprinted with permission).
For more information on this book, purchase the book here in print or Kindle formats on Amazon.
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- Are Unrealistic Expectations Ruining Your Marriage?
- Why a Daily Check-In Makes All the Difference in Our Marriage
- 57 Top Romantic Movies for Stay at Home Date Nights
Better Sex in a Christian Marriage Starts with Better Communication
Communication and marital closeness make for better sex in a marriage. One of the best ways we've found for maintaining closeness is by working through a couples devotional together.
If you'd like some great wisdom for spiritual growth in your marriage (including a proven, 30-day roadmap to better marriage communication), I highly encourage you to check out our pick for best couples devotional: Consecrated Conversations from Mike and Carlie Kercheval.
This awesome couples devotional from my dear friends (and marriage coaches) Mike + Carlie Kercheval goes deep on important topics that matter to Christian couples (everything from forgiveness to communication issues to better sex). I love that it's goal is to help you create the healthy habit of better marriage communication in 30 days or less!
This best-selling couples devotional has helped over 16,000 couples build a better marriage!
The Kerchevals, certified marriage coaches, Bible teachers and an awesome married couple of over 21 years, will introduce you to a 30 day, step-by-step proven process for learning:
- how to pray together as a couple
- how to read the Bible as a couple
- how to better communicate about important marriage issues
With three sections in each devotion (including a Bible verse, “Converse & Reflect” questions, and a sample prayer), this marriage resource encourages couples to discover intimacy in marriage like never before.