We all long to have a strong Christian marriage. Unfortunately, many of our Christian marriages are suffering simply because we’ve stop intentionally investing in them.
And often the first “investment” to go? We stop having sex.
Sex in Christian marriage is how God designed a Christian couple to stay emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate.
Listen, I’m not here to pile on the guilt about why you personally may not having more sex in marriage!
We all have many good reasons why we’re not having sex with our spouses as often as we’d like (and we’re going to talk about those in this post).
But I hope that this post allows us to honestly reconsider the purpose of sex in Christian marriage. I want us to see how if we choose to not make sex in marriage a priority than we risk eroding the deep bond that a husband and wife need to keep a family strong.
I want to talk about Christian marriage and sex today not as a marriage expert, but as a Christian wife, mom and woman who has seen many Christian marriages crumble.
Of course there are complicated reasons why husbands and wives don’t get along (or may even divorce), but sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently if the couples in these troubled marriages had made sex a priority.
Make no mistake–what we talk about in this post may save your marriage, or that of someone you know. I hope that if you find it helpful you’ll share with others.
Why Making Love (and Not Just Having Sex) Is Key
Why the emphasis on sex and making love? And what’s the difference between the two?
God gave us sex as an amazing way to–over and over, throughout the life of a Christian marriage–cement the bond between a husband and a wife.
And, contrary to what we’re repeatedly shown in television and the media, the best sex is about more than just getting turned on or sexually excited.
Sex is the balm that covers over the hurtful words we say and the offenses we commit against one another.
The marriage bed is where we come and mend our wounds–a special connection shared with no one else.
Sex in marriage brings the closeness that we desperately need when dealing with rebellious children, challenging finances, or chronic illness.
And when a Christian couple makes love with the intention of pleasing each other (and not just their own physical desires), sex also becomes an incredibly beautiful mini-portrait of marriage overall.
Why Aren’t We Having More Sex in Christian Marriage?
Wives, we have a thousand good excuses for why we’re not having sex (or if we are, why we’re not making love):
- My husband and I are so busy!
- He has a hectic travel schedule.
- We are just too tired after a long day.
- We’re bored with each other.
- We just don’t “feel like it.”
But here’s the thing (and I’m not going to sugarcoat this):
We have to find a way to overcome these trials for this season in our marriage, whether it’s easy or not.
We have to place “making love” at the top of the priority list–before kids, before work, before everything.
4 Mindsets to Consider for Better Sex in Christian Marriage
1) We’ve got to get past the fact that the physical attraction may no longer be there (because that will wax and wane) (Proverbs 31:30-31).
2) We’ve got to ignore the idea that marriage (and even sex) is about each person giving an equal part, and instead embrace that it’s about both spouses giving 100%. Period. (Romans 12:1)
3) And we absolutely need to recognize that porn, erotica or other non-biblical sexual stimuli we may bring into the bedroom in order to “spice up our sex life” are as destructive as wildfire.
These may seem to bring the solutions we seek (we want more sex, right?) but instead of inviting “making love” into the bedroom, we end up turning our beautiful sexual connection into simple animal lust.
4) We’ve got to stand up and change our mindset about making love (even if our spouse isn’t on board yet) and to completely and utterly make great sex a priority in order to nourish, protect (and perhaps even save) our marriages.
First, we need to recognize two things: We need to understand the enemy’s plans against our marriage; and then, we need to determine where our marital weaknesses lie and make the changes we need.
The Enemy’s Plan Against Your Marriage (and Great Sex)
Your marriage has an enemy, whether you believe it or not.
He was there on your wedding day, and he’s been plotting to destroy you, your spouse, your kids and everything good in your family since you said “I do.”
He may be sly and cunning, but he’s got one huge fatal flaw in every single one of his plans:
The enemy simply cannot stand against God and his plan for the family.
The enemy has NO chance, and he knows it.
That is, unless… we open the door and invite him in.
How do we unknowingly invite the enemy in our Christian marriages (and our marriage sex life)? Here are three 3 key ways:
1) We allow him to keep us busy in other (often good) areas of life so that we keep our eyes off of sex and our foundational marriage relationship.
2) We ignore our spouse’s needs, fighting for the rights “we deserve” in marriage and forgetting that true love is others-centered instead of me-centered (1 Corinthians 13).
3) We let the everyday annoyances (which will never fully go away) to build an impenetrable fortress around our hearts that turns marriage into a contract instead of a cherished covenant (and turns making love into a duty). (Song of Solomon 2:15)
Overall, our enemy takes the most powerful glue in marriage–the incredible joy of sex and marital intimacy–and twists our desires into lust (which he is more than happy to fulfill through pornography) and complacency (distracting us with “good things” so that marital closeness becomes a back-burner item).
But here’s our hope: When it comes to sex in a Christian marriage, God wants to give us more than lust and complacency.
He wants us to have close marriage relationships… and it starts with a marriage bed that is passionate and thriving.
How to Turn Married Sex Into Making Love
Most of us don’t need a sex therapist in order to have the closer sexual intimacy that we crave.
That’s because the closeness we desire is only partially found between the sheets.
In fact, making love starts with simple everyday connection with our spouses.
That’s why I highly encourage you to use a marriage resource like Consecrated Conversations to build regular, meaningful conversation with your spouse about those issues that matter.
This awesome couples devotional from my dear friends (and marriage coaches) Mike + Carlie Kercheval goes deep on important topics that matter to Christian couples (everything from forgiveness to communication issues to sex).
With three sections in each devotion (including a Bible verse, “Converse & Reflect” questions, and a sample prayer), this marriage resource encourages couples to discover intimacy in marriage like never before.
I love how practical this couples devotional is, and how Mike and Carlie really encourage couples to invite God into their marriage discussions. Only God is the one that can bring true satisfaction, contentment and unity in marriage, right?
I highly recommend this marriage devotional to many couples as the best couples devotional out there! Order your copy here.
Next, I also highly recommend you check out this post: 63 Incredible Resources for Better Sex in Christian Marriage.
This powerful post is divided into several key intimate topics that many couples deal with, including:
- resources on sexual technique;
- secrets to the best sex
- how to keep marriage fun and flirty
- practical help for when porn or erotica is in your marriage
We Need More Sex in Our Christian Marriages (Truly!)
Bottom line, you and I need to have sex more with our spouses in order to have the intimacy we crave in Christian marriage. We need to take whatever steps necessary to remove every obstacle that seeks to keep us from making love to our spouses.
We need to make drastic changes, starting today, that will not only improve our marital relationship but strengthen our family God’s way.
Regardless of your feelings (or of where your spouse may stand on this topic), it starts with you, and it starts with me.
Pray and ask God right now how He wants you to change here.
Let’s protect our marriages by choosing to be intentional with our spouses and to have more sex!
Other Posts About Sex in Christian Marriage
- 65 Incredible Resources for Better Sex in Christian Marriage
- The Surprising Secret to Better Sex in Christian Marriage
- How to Flirt with Your Husband (18 Fun & Easy Ways)
- 130 Creative Ways to Say I Love You to Your Spouse
And don’t forget to check out the Consecrated Conversations Couples Devotional so that you can build your intimacy with your spouse from the inside out!